The Evil Dead

Even Hasidic Jewish mimes suffer Samsung rage. Where will the madness end?

Even Hasidic Jewish mimes suffer Samsung rage. Where will the madness end?

My mother’s Samsung tablet is dead. Well, not entirely dead. More like in a chronic vegetative state. Push the Home button and it will light up and cheerfully inform you it’s 100% charged … then go black and silent. More than just inert, it seems positively dour, almost aggressively nonfunctional. I’m a little scared of it, to be honest. I suspect at night it turns itself on and giggles maniacally, plotting our demise.

I’ve Googled the issue and find it astonishingly widespread. To the tune of 407,000 results for “Samsung tablet will not turn on.” Given its pervasiveness, you’d think this might be a problem SAMSUNG WOULD JUST FLIPPIN’ FIX. But then I suppose they wouldn’t sell as many replacement tablets.

Anyway.

Can you see my despair in the reflection of this blank screen?

Can you see my despair in the reflection of this blank screen?

The Internet offers much advice for addressing this, as we say at my workplace, “challenge.”

  1. Hold down the Home button for 10 seconds. Or 60 seconds. Or until you die. FAIL.
  2. Hold down the decrease volume button. FAIL.
  3. Hold down the Home button and the decrease volume button. FAIL.
  4. Hold down the Home button and the decrease volume button, then release the decrease volume button and keep holding the Home button down (again, until something happens or until you die). FAIL.
  5. Plus the USB into a computer, then try all of the above. FAIL.
  6. Remove the back of the unit and unplug the battery for 30 seconds. (This, by the way, is the biggest hassle ever.) FAIL.
  7. Throw tablet onto a hard surface and stomp on it. Also FAIL, but offers some satisfaction.

I gather the root cause of this is letting the tablet’s battery run down to empty (or almost empty). My mother, being of the Greatest Generation who lived through the Great Depression and therefore understands that being poor is NOT Great, is disinclined to leave gadgets plugged in to suck up precious electricity. Therefore, she uses her tablet and phone until it informs her that it’s about to die, then plugs it in for an hour or so.

This is why my mother has money and I don’t. This is also why I have a functioning tablet and she doesn’t.

tron energy pool

Bruce suckin’ up the juice.

I feel a little bit of sympathy for the tablet, living on the edge of starvation all the time. I picture a tiny Bruce Boxleitner inside the flat screen, frantically gulping up the energy on those rare occasions when he finds a source. Then I picture tiny Bruce Boxleitner in those neon tights and get distracted.

Nice ... helmet, Tron

Nice … helmet, Tron

Tonight after work I’ll spend a little more time surfing the Internet (on my always-fully-charged machine). If I don’t find a solution, I’ll implement my own fix:

  1. Throw the Samsung tablet in the back of the closet.
  2. Buy an iPad.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Lifestyle

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s